Say "duty" five times fast.

I have far too many things to write about that are greater adventures, but I wanted to tell a fun little story here for two reasons: 1. To remember it myself; 2. To give you all a chance into my daily life.

The theme of this story centers around the blunders one learns while learning to speak Italian.

As most of you know, today is election day in North Carolina for some primaries and a really big issue known as Amendment 1. Because I feel strongly about this issue and am even more aware of my citizenship while living abroad, I made sure to do my civil duty and get my absentee ballot. Not having a printer, I've had to visit the cartoleria, or paper shop, to do all of my printing, faxing, and scanning.

In years (let's be real, months) in the past, I was so insecure with speaking to strangers that this would have been a near-impossible task. Speaking to unknown people involves spontaneous changes in conversation, unknown words, and sometimes impatience and even bigotry. Plus my need to be right always put a damper on chatting with someone new. But after all this time here, I've mostly gotten over all of that. Some people are just not going to have the will to talk to a straniera like me.

Thankfully, though, the young and older man that work in my local paper store aren't like that at all. I've gone in about 7 times since October to handle paperwork, and although we had never had a conversation before yesterday, they were always patient and kind with me. So I walk in the store tranquillamente with my pen drive, ask for them to print a document, and say I'd like to fill it out and then I need to scan it. Both of these men jumped back a bit so I insisted that it'd be really quick, but then I needed to scan this document.

The young man took my pen drive, printed out my ballot, and I stepped to the side to fill it out while he helped someone else. When I finished, I handed over the papers to the young man and he went to the fax machine. I pointed to the scanner and said, "Excuse me, I wanted--" to which the older man interrupted, "Yes, I remember," and the young man laughed, excusing himself for forgetting. Great customer service, right?

I thought so, too. Then I got a whopping dose of humility with a language lesson:

Old man: You know why I remember you wanted a scan?
Me: No, why is that?
Old man: Because you wanted to use the word scannerizzare but said scannare.
Me: Oh, excuse me, you're right....
Old man: Do you know what scannare means? (He chuckles.)
Me: No, what does it mean?

At this point I'm getting nervous thinking of all the things I could have said.

Then the old man takes a pen in hand and holds it up to his neck, demonstrating how I wanted to skewer slaughter really quickly after having my document printed. Cue laughter and blushing. Remember that great customer service? The young man insisted it was okay. I decided his job must be really tough since he admitted it's difficult for him to hear the difference between "sheet" and, well, some other word starting with "sh" and ending with "t."

There won't always be another tomorrow.

Here we are two months into 2011 and time's moving along. I've been busy, at least in respect to my life months ago. I'm still working for the school system and picked up a small nannying job for a family I just can't get enough of. This cutie gets me out of the house just a bit earlier three days a week and brings me a whole lot of joy!

I've also been feeling a tad bit more responsible. I'm sure it helps having the pocket money and a renewed wonder about what's worth the fruits of my labor. Being a saver, that's not much, but it's more fun to look when the possibility to purchase is there.

My list of goals for 2011 is keeping me busy. I've completed a few odd crafts which I'm fairly proud about completing. My room was painted yesterday and I'm thrilled with the results. I'm beyond excited to continue working on making the room my very own space (only to move again, I'm sure).

I'm still trying to get in on volunteering with the school system, but made a ton of friends working with a local theatre in Winston Salem. I've always loved everything about the theatre and got lucky enough to team up with Theatre Alliance on their production of Eating Raoul. This show was pretty crazy (ask Abbey or Lauren- they were troopers for coming to see it!), but the group I worked with was phenomenal. And I learned a ton! I was a dresser which is nothing except on a show with 96 costume changes and no intermission. Boy, was it work, but still a ton of fun. And now I know how to tie a bow tie!

I've also been practicing the fine art of letter writing and am trying to make a more concerted effort to sit down and write with regularity. Writing's consumed much of my psyche, but sitting down to complete it seems to be my biggest hurdle, especially when there's another tomorrow when I can do these things. I did apply to just one graduate program. I did it in a conscious, yet last minute manner--how about that for contradiction of terms?--and would be thrilled to be accepted there, but like everything else there's something of a waiting game.

Last night it occurred to me that it's been about a month since I heard about the Fulbright stuff and submitted my application to graduate school. Who knows how much time is left until I know the results of either path. I don't spend much time thinking about it because there's nothing I can change, but from time to time, I wish time away. I hate feeling like I'm missing out on something, even if they're struggles.

Yet I'm starting to realize what a mistake that is. Being out in the community and getting to know new people, I've been challenged to take advantage of my situation. It's certainly something I've been working on for a few months now, but a new friend with his own fantastic life admitted how jealous he was of my situation. He had the chance to take a year off before heading on in higher education and wished he had been more "industrious" with his time. There are plenty of books I want to read, shows I want to see, goals I want to achieve. There's no need to rush any of my precious freedom along. I'm sure I'll be nostalgic for these months...eventually. :)

The State of My Present

At long last I have some pretty good news. I imagine that all you who read this blog already heard, but for posterity, I'm reporting here that my Fulbright application was passed along and recommended to the board in Italy. This news is exciting, sure, but I'm not doing a lot of celebrating yet. There's a 50-50 shot at this point. Those are better odds, but the show's not over yet. We don't know how it's going to end. And the Fulbright Commission has let me know who's in charge here by controlling the timing.

I got the news in an email on just another Thursday, while sitting on the couch and watching Two and a Half Men with Dad. I didn't expect to hear anything for another week and a half so I was caught off guard. Then within said email, they proceeded to tell me I have to live in this state of uncertainty. I could know as soon as next month, but let's be real, we're talking about Italy. Nothing bureaucratic moves quickly there. But no worries, I should know...by the end of June. Guys, that's such a long time! Especially when my life is waiting all morning to go to work, then waiting for parents, then waiting for bed. It's the waiting I'm most upset about. So. Much. Waiting.

I've never been very talented at the patience game, but I'm a lot more comfortable with the uncertainty. There was a time when I was fretting about years into my future when there was no reason to have such anxiety about things that weren't affecting me just yet. I've wasted countless tears and too many hours of wringing my hands about "The State of My Future." It was always somewhat like The State of the Union addresses in that they were reflective, cautionary, and looking ahead, but more Clinton-like than Obama-esque with lots more used tissues. Sometimes I have embarrassing flashbacks to those moments and marvel that the people who sat through them still talk to me.

While it's shameful to think about that behavior, the shame is a telling sign for me that I'm (mostly) beyond it. I conquered some of my worst fears and am living through my old nightmares. I graduated college without a job or a place in school. I moved back home. I'm way underemployed. Five years ago, I never would have fathomed this life for myself. I am now what I considered then to be a big failure. But that doesn't bother me.  A wonderful friend of mine relayed some advice she had recently received: "Don't borrow anxiety from the future." And that's what Oprah calls an "a-ha moment."

The question isn't what will happen to me if I don't get the grant. I'm ready for the news either way. Plus, I've got really good Plans B and C that I've already started to set in motion. If they don't work, I'll figure it out. Which brings me to my greatest achievement since my college graduation: I learned that I'm always going to find something - eventually.

The sad parts for now are feeling idle and being lonesome. I don't like not contributing to a good and I don't like feeling solitary in that. These feelings weren't recently discovered or were neglected on this blog. I constantly feel them and talk about them ad nauseum, but sometimes life is so good that I forget I'm feeling anything but joy. Other times, I revel in my misery and begin to feel hopeless. My conclusions are that everything is ephemeral and I can make change in my life.

So when I have a bad day, I wake up the next morning resolute to have a good one until I actually do, trying to forget the yesterdays. I've also been reaching out to the community. Having applied for every kind of employment possible to no avail, I'm turning to volunteer work for now. My middle schoolers bring me such joy that soon I will be working one-on-one with some of the elementary schoolers in the afternoon. And as of this weekend, I'll be a dresser for community theatre.

One of my friends suggested that I pick up a practice she started in the new year. Looking for better employment, her roommate and she created mantras they repeated, focused on, and acted upon until they got results. I figured it couldn't hurt, so I've been reflecting a mantra of my own. I want a dynamic and gainful experience. I've been told, ask and ye shall receive, and if that's true, you can be sure it'll be reported here. :) Happy Tuesday!

I'm late to the party...

but happy new year, y'all! Hahaha! Despite the fact that we're almost two weeks into 2011, there are still 50 left, so in perspective, I'm still at the beginning of it. I'm getting older, quicker and the days are moving faster than I can note, but I feel like this is especially true of 2010. I waited a long time for 2010 and now it's already gone, but a lot happened in those measly 12 months. To sum it up, I decided to use some of my favorite pictures from the year month by month.

 Now what? I've got a lot to think about and to work on in 2011, so here are some goals:

• Learn to speak Spanish (somewhat).
• Find a job (or jobs) where I work at least 30 hours a week.
• Hand make 3 things I am proud of. (Maybe you can teach me to do something cool like this, Kellie?)
• Handwrite a letter a week.
• Paint and decorate my room.
• Set aside time to write short stories.
• Take the GRE again and apply to 5 graduate programs.
• Inventory, organize, and cut down all of my belongings to fit in my room following The Cult of Less.
• Achieve my healthy size finally (almost there!) ... and stay there.
• Move.
• Start a book of my favorite (read: edible) recipes.
• Visit a new state. (I'll choose Colorado if you'll take me on one of these, Marie!)
• Run in a 5k. (Wanna run one together Lauren?)
• Check my car's tire pressure and oil on the first of every month.
• Volunteer regularly.
• Have more fun than I had in 2010....

They say when it rains, it pours...

If that's the case, I'm in the middle of a quarter-life monsoon. Things are adding up and, in contrast with my last post, it's getting difficult to just be and to stay positive about everything. Yes, I'm unemployed, which is a doozy, but then there's more.

The most recent tragedy issue of my life that caused me to have a break down I'm trying to deal with responsibly is a car wreck. My poor Sonny! It seems that it just won't be worth the investment to repair him which feels like I'm mourning the loss of a friend. And as a result, I've been car shopping (which is just a big pain) and generally trying to decide what the best move is to make. There are plenty of questions to mull over: What if I get a job and move to a city where there's no need for a car? What if I get the Fulbright and am back in Italy in a few months? Super inconvenient timing to be dealing with this stuff, but I'm told that's what you find under the definition of "life" in the Dictionary of Hard Knocks.

And then there's other issues of my luck: I found a great 2008 car with good gas economy, low mileage, and awesome crash ratings at a decent price. It even had satellite radio, auxiliary for your iPod, and some thing so you could sync up your phone contacts...but it didn't have cruise control! Sorry, Mr. Sleazy Salesman, but I won't be going backwards in time.

And as if I didn't have enough inquiry and uncertainty, there are all kinds of personal questions floating around: What can I do to make my situation better? How can I behave to be sure that I stand by my ideals? Am I even growing up? I feel a bit out of control here which occasionally leads to spouts of hopelessness. People are growing and doing things and I feel stuck in the mud. I know this state is temporary, but this transition from where I was to where I'm going is far from easy. Like I said, I never expected it all to fall into place, but...something?...anything?!?

With my luck, it'll all come too quickly and I won't know what to do. Typical. But for now I've adopted a new - hopefully temporary - perspective which I like to call "positive pessimism." And the meaning? Expect everything to go wrong (because it will)...and then just stay positive anyway. It's my umbrella in these stormy conditions. To clear skies and better news - CHEERS!

Why I LOVE being unemployed.

It was only a matter of time before this post came out of me. Now you know I'm not much of a "do nothing-er." My family might argue with me, but besides the occasional long weekend vacation, I was never much a fan of not having something to do. I mean, how many kids hated summer vacation because it meant no structure? I can count at least one and that's me. And while the list isn't very long, I have come to find some benefits of not having a job. So, in no particular order, here goes nothing:

1. I have time to read. I love reading all kinds of things. Books, magazines, short stories, articles. I spend hours online moving from one website to another looking at the news or reading up on the latest research. One of the greatest gifts my parents ever bought me was a Kindle which I get a heck a lot of use out of, especially with all the free books they offer. I'm well on my way through the Harry Potter series...again, am rereading Dante's Inferno because it's just genius, and have great plans to go through the works of Mark Twain soon. My grandma used to ask me how I could be reading so many different things at once, but it's like changing the channel on the television for me. I just find it much more enriching.

2. I exercise at least an hour a day. I never really put my health as a priority in my life, but over the last year have learned some great reasons why I should. And to tell you the truth, it's been pretty interesting. Surely, that's not easy, but the challenge is part of the fun. Let's be real. There's not much else egging me on, is there? And besides, it's autumn in North Carolina. Why wouldn't you want to be outside if you had nothing else to do?!? After my usual run (I'm up to two miles now!), I returned to my route with Daddy and the puppies just to take these pictures. Don't you wish you were unemployed, too?
  

It's blurry, but the trees know something of color gradation. ROY G. is just missing a little BIV.

3. I'm practicing in the kitchen. This is both scary and ridiculously entertaining knowing how little experience I had or ever wanted cooking, but I have to say, it's starting to grow on me. Especially after starting this healthy lifestyle kick, I've been working on "my housewife skills." Ha. Hahahahaha. Veeeeeeeeeeery funny.

4. I can schedule my time as I wish. There are no problems if I want to pick up and go visit friends or do something with my family. Earlier this week I wasn't feeling great so I moved from the bed to the couch and took a nice long nap. One of my biggest flaws is time management, but I'm definitely getting a better sense of how long it takes me to do things and how all those things pass the hours of the day. So what if I didn't get everything done as I planned? I'll just do it tomorrow. :)

Of course there are disappointments that come along with the benefits of unemployment. I wish I had something to do during the day that was productive to society and myself. And then there are days where it feels like things are never going to change. Today while applying for education loan deferment (on the grounds of unemployment, of course) I signed up for a new online job search agency. I uploaded my resume and then read this great message...

with no recommendations. It was good for a laugh, but I can't say I don't get discouraged. It's not the time to be a job snob, but for now I've just got to keep applying, waiting, and being thankful for the time I have to be unemployed.

Too much excitement

There's a point in every world-traveler's experience in which she feels too far from home. After all this time in Siena, I've always known that life went along as per usual with the natural ups and downs. I know this fact because I've had them for my own, but it's difficult to remember they go on at home, too. This weekend my little brother Jason (who, in fact, is not so little but a young man in his own right) was pretty sick. Hospital sick. I'm happy to report that he is back to his quite silly self, but I spent plenty of hours in "big sister mode."

My parents and grandparents kept me as informed as possible and reassured me of his general well-being. I appreciate the network and trust their information, but there was nothing that could stop me from having Jay in the back of my mind. At every moment. It didn't matter that I spent a wonderful day in Florence examining the most beautiful art. I couldn't care less about engaging myself at a dinner with Italians. I had no will to celebrate receiving Fulbright recommendations (and therefore nearly finishing my application) or to bask in the glory of surviving my first Nordic walk. I went on with these activities because I was ensured Jason was okay and because I've learned that is what I have to do to live my life: I keep moving forward.

The most interesting realization made during this time was knowing that I still have a desire to move on and away. Whether I'm here in Italy or anywhere else, I am trying to make a life for myself and haven't finished exploring quite yet. Heck, I've just started! My family and I are getting used to this fact and we're all learning how to communicate despite the distance. I'm quite so thankful to them and all my wonderful support system for bearing with me as I bounce around.

And speaking of bouncing around, I'd like to inform you all that I'm officially moving back to the States. That's right, I'm coming home. At least for a while. I'm very happy with the decision if I'm to be honest with you. I feel like I've found everything that I came here looking for plus so much more. As you know, I didn't have many plans about when I was returning or what I was doing here, but hoped I would know the "right time." I think I've found it.

Please don't be mistaken, the life I lived here was real. I imagine sometimes it's silly to hear some of my stories because, as my best friend Alexa says, I live "so cinematically," but rest assured that living here was hard sometimes. I faced some of the same challenges I would have had in America in addition to so many that you maybe couldn't fathom. I'll have you know that I will definitely appreciate some of America's "simple tasks" I took for granted. But then these past two and a half months were also filled with an abundance of great things. I've started learning how to live out of an academic pattern and how to get wherever I want to be. I'm not exactly sure what's up next for me, but I'll keep you posted as the adventures continue to unfold.

Revelations According to Me

As promised, I'm writing a post to give you an official update on my life as it is now. I feel like I've settled into a new temporary routine. I'm acting as a substitue for my friend Anya who is traveling in the States, so I spend my mornings at a preschool playing with Italian babies for a few hours. It's interesting how much I've learned there. I'm definitely getting some practice of the imperative tense and have been learning some really fun songs like the one about the round, round watermelon that wanted to be the best in the world and the Italian version of "Ring Around the Rosie."

I've also started hanging out with two lovely ragazze. Violeta is 10 and she's a power house. She knows what she likes and is, as we say in the South, smart as a whip. Gaia, age 7, is a sweet girl. After our first meeting I was a bit nervous about what she'd think of me, but held on to me tightly wherever we went on Friday. She also learned the word "puppy" on Friday. Success. They fall into their birth order dynamics pretty nicely which reminds me quite a bit of Jason and myself. Too fun!

But I have made some revelations lately that I'd like to share with you:

The first is that I'm alone. Now, I could use the euphimism and tell you that I'm living on my own, but I don't think that phrase is sufficient to describe how I feel. Sure I have friends here. Whether I be sick or sad, they have shown over these past weeks more patience and kindness than I could express in words. I feel like I've won the lottery when it comes to them. Still it's difficult to live so far from majority of my network. At times I feel very solitary and, let me tell you, that's a pretty scary thing.

The positive side here is that I feel like I'm learning more and better in this way. I'm finding my own limits, strengths, and weaknesses. Surely this information will be crucial knowledge no matter where or with whom I live. I'm also discovering my own opinions. I've never really been one to hide my opinions when I've had them, but believe it or not, sometimes I just can't make up my mind. I used to say that in these moments I could develop my thoughts after hearing what others had to say first. But as I begin to grasp my own priorities and the process for making decisions, I almost find it refreshing to be alone.

Strangely enough, the second realization I've made is how WONDERFUL the people I have in my life are. No matter where in the world I am, you show me all kinds of support in any manner of ways. I have heard from you when I needed it most and have felt your presence throughout the joyful and trying times. Sure, communication is different these days. It's not so easy to pick up a phone and call someone when you don't even live in the same country code. And if I usually talked to someone twice a week because I would run into them while walking across campus, I realize I wouldn't be doing that now regardless. Despite these differences, I know you're there. And thank goodness for technology! You can say what you like about the evil of technology but Skype is a god-sent. Hallelujah and amen. A very special thank you to Aunt Carol and Uncle Joe: you guys are awesome! And an honest message about what I think of YOU straight from the words of a legend just to say thanks.

In these days I have some important decisions to make which brings us to my final revelation. I've spent countless hours (recently and just generally in my 22 years) fretting over decisions of all kinds. Each one feels like it's the end of the world, despite my recognition that my life will go on no matter what I choose. I've decided to put an end to the fretting--or as much as someone who has nurtured worrying can. I'm never going to know what's "right." I might know 10 years from now that I made a good decision, but then again I might never know. What I do know is that I will make the best decisions for me when I need to in that very moment. Fretting is wasting all kinds of energy and time that I no longer choose to waste. In the words of my wise and beautiful mother, "it's just not worth it." So enough is enough. And that's plenty enough.

City of a Million Moonlit Places

A proper post is long overdue. Although I don't feel like I have much to tell. My everyday is quite routine. I have school in the morning at the Siena School, where I studied during the Spring 2009 semester. It's an intensive language course for one more week. Then the afternoons change depending on the day. Mostly I work on my Fulbright application and trying to make connections. Sometimes I go to Campansi to visit my favorite elderly. Others are spent spontaneously with friends.

But I did want to go in more detail on one recent happening: another trip to Rome! Since I enjoyed the last show so much, Gabriele brought me along to the Globe Theatre in Rome once again. He has some company with whom he can discuss the show and I have a trip to Rome. Win-win, as far as I see it.

First we planned to meet up with Yoanna, my stunning French friend. She lives in Piazza di Spagna for now. On our way there, we stopped to watch a group of serious street preformers . I couldn't believe how these guys could move their bodies! We proceeded along, walking down Via Condotti with windows full of Gucci, Prada, and the like, forces you to stop and stare in awe. We waited on the Spanish Steps, chatting and doing some serious people watching, while we waited for Yoanna to come out. I read in a guidebook that centuries ago, the "beautiful people" would go, hoping to be chosen as a model by some artist. While there's not much modeling going on for paintings, there were enough characters to satisfy this psych nerd.

We finally caught up with Yoanna and together the three of us stumbled upon a restaurant nearby. It was delicious and offered an interesting form of entertainment when some woman decided to park her car on this tiny street. Cars piled up behind but there was nothing that could be done. We didn't see her for most of our meal...but did see the police who were stuck behind her write her a fine. We never hear her excuse herself other than explaining that she "ran" into the store to by some bread and eggs. Yikes.

After dinner, we ran over to Villa Borgese to the theatre. We were running late, but it worked out well because unlike the last time, the show was sold out! Luckily we had purchased our tickets beforehand. We saw La Bisbetica Domata, or The Taming of the Shrew, which is my favorite Shakespeare comedy. It was stunning! (Here are some pictures of the theatre, the last show, and this one, for those who are interested.) They updated the beginning to present day and the director created a gymnasium setting for much of the story. I really enjoyed myself despite that which was lost in translation, since they were all speaking Italian. Like last time, some actors were easier to follow than others and I'm sure it helped that I had read the play before, but maybe some of it is also from getting better. All bets are off when it comes to that.

After the show we went for a walk around Rome in some places I had never seen before. Unfortunately we couldn't get to all of them due to bad directions from locals and our incorrect map reading. Maybe next time?

This is to have succeeded.

This poem is my very favorite. It describes a definition that I actively struggle to compose for myself. First is the popular form attributed to Emerson, followed by the original which was confirmed to be written by Bessie Stanley. Lines from both resonate heavily with me, especially now as I find myself in the center of the boxing ring with Expectations. She's a quite the opponent, but I'm making the best of the match. Maybe we'll end up friends at the end of it all.

Success
To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; 
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;
who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;
who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;
who has left the world better than he found it whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul;
who has never lacked appreciation of Earth's beauty or failed to express it;
who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;
whose life was an inspiration;
whose memory a benediction. 

Bessie Stanley

Womp, womp.

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted because not much has been going on. Besides a pretty big disappointment. My test didn't go so well, and since then I've had to deal with more negative emotions than I wish to admit. But I'm over it and moving on with what I have to do. There's a little more than two weeks until I leave and still quite a bit to get done. But this post is really about disappointment.

I hate that my first attempt at the GRE went so sucky (to be truly eloquent). Following the big failure, the big thought that passed through my head was: "This was NOT in my plan. I've been studying for this test so much and it was not supposed to happen like this. I was going to do well on it, go to Italy after three weeks, and apply to those graduate school with a little peace in all this hectic." And then it hit me. I guess I'm not as well adjusted as I thought I was getting. Not off the path of "The Plan." Which made me start thinking about other things.

Specifically, I've been reflecting a lot on the decisions I've made recently. Moving home has been full of mixed outcomes. It's been wonderful spending time with my family. The older I get I realize just how priceless that time is. Especially since I don't have much else to give these days--gotta love that free rent! (Another benefit of being home.)

But then there are the sour sides of moving home. No job means that I'm home until I have something really interesting to do...like go to the bank. Since most of my work is on the computer because I'm going international I have no reason to go anywhere. Positive side of this: I know there's NO WAY I could ever work from home. Maybe if I had my fantasy study. Otherwise, no.

Then there's also NOTHING here. I'm really not kidding. There are no adventures here which really speaks to my hiatus from blogging. College friends are near college. And all things considered, I have a good group of people I still keep in touch with from high school...but none of them are around either. I have to take big long trips and get lost every time I see a friend.

And before I get too emo, this separation has made me appreciate those good friends you can't live without. I've always sucked at keeping up with people, but I guess with some international friends to keep in touch with over the last few years and practically residing in a foreign land the last few weeks, I've had some good practice. Now I know communication is a two way street and I'm starting to learn which friends like to know about certain things, like to talk about specific issues or news or gossip, have similar woes as me, etc. It's almost as if we're all taking friendship labels. I'm sure they'll change over time, but it's just interesting. I'm still working through this idea, but I mention it to provoke. What do you think?

So in closing, I've got a lot more work to do on myself and my friendships and my life. And thanks for making it through this post. You're a trooper. :)

Well, it's done.

I feel like there should have been a parade or a party or something. Of course, I'm talking about booking my ticket to Italy. I put in the big bucks, choosing the best price I could find in the worst possible season to travel abroad. But it's done and I leave in under 5 weeks.

(oh.

my.

goodness.

F.I.V.E.W.E.E.K.S.

wowzah.)

...Um, sorry about that freakout. But back to what I was saying, I feel like there should have been something to mark the occasion, but instead I was laying on the couch, watching America's Got Talent sporting my Fightin' Irish sweatshirt and Marvel Comic's boxers. (I guess I can't expect everyone else to get all dressed up if I won't either.)

A good friend of mine once told me that moments like these are just a part of the celebration of life. These "small moments" lead into big celebrations later on when there are real things to celebrate...like: a Fulbright grant? a competitive fellowship? all kinds of adventures I can't yet fathom?

So here's to the future celebrations of all shapes, sizes, and kinds!

School's out for...?

I didn't let myself post the other day because I was feeling kind of blue. It doesn't feel much like the summer break I'm used to after a year of classes. I LOVE rain, but it's just been gloomy outside during the day. And I can't really shake the anxiety I've been feeling about being unemployed. I'm not sure why it's weighing so heavily on me. But I can say that this feeling has opened my eyes about what life is like for those who have to take care of families, pay for homes, etc. I have a profound respect for those who can do it right and a greater sense of sympathy for those who struggle with these things. I know I'm not living in awful conditions, but living on my own gives me a different perspective on what responsibility is.

On a nicer note, I have been enjoying myself. It's nice to hang out with friends without having to worry about what time I have to wake up in the morning or what I have to get done. I'm also loving my sweatpants/movie days. Not having a television for most of my college career may have been compensated in the last week and a half. And Maggie, my awesome new roommate, has been wonderful. It's fun to hang out with her and do new things. We went to the Farmer's Market on Sunday. So fun! So yummy! Maybe best of all is hanging out with Lily, my new friend. She's got quite a personality and has taken residence in my lap. She loves giving kisses and is quite the talker. Isn't she adorable?

There is life.

There is life here after graduation. I was soooo ready for it to come, but if I might be honest, I'm not sure what to do with myself now. The weekend was beautiful from the ceremonies to the weather to the love and pride that hung in the air. But now I am beyond compulsory education and the four extra years I was blessed enough to get. I've actively chosen to have a year to be selfish and go against expectations. But as I stood in the Courtyard (I'm the one with all the blankets) lining up for Commencement, I got nervous. I realized that I was officially loosing the part of my identity I had made central to who I was for so many years: I would no longer be a student.

Now it'd be easy for me to argue that I'm always going to be a student. Life is certainly a worthy teacher. I think I know mostly who I am and then I find out that there's so much more to learn. But that's hokey. And then even when, not if, I move on to graduate school, the dynamics will be different. I'll be more of a peer researcher then just a student. Like now. With that degree in my hand, I've really earned something. Professors from Meredith are requesting I call them by their first names and be their Facebook friends. Things have changed.

But I won't sit out on this next year. There are plenty of things to do: Play with friends. Write. Find a job...and make some money, or enough to survive. Read some fun books. Watch my ever growing list of "Movies I Must See to Be a Cultured Human Being." See some live theater. Learn to cook a few new meals. Make some plans. Have adventures. Prove to myself there is indeed life after school.

A few things I love.

1. Community and solidarity with strangers.
2. This sound. And jingling keys.
3. Adventures of all kinds. Specifically ones that make good stories.
4. Pillows of every shape and size.
5. Wearing hoods and sun glasses. (You know, to avoid the paparazzi.)
6. Inspiring quotes, poems, portraits, friends, etc.
7. Laughter that comes from deep in your gut.
8. Endless possibilities that the future offers.
9. The elderly. I love my OPBs (a.k.a. Old Person Buddies)!
10. Learning--especially things that change my worldview.

How rude!

At lunch today, a few friends--mostly seniors--and I were discussing how awful when small chat comes to the most dreaded question: "What are you doing after graduation?" I hate that question right now because, quite honestly, who knows? Really, please raise your hand if you've got it all figured out. If you raised your hand and it's two, five, or seven years more school, do you have a guarantee about what's after that? Yeah, that's what I thought. Put it down.

My friend Meredith was talking about how unbearable it is when the people who just graduated ask this abominable question and I concur wholeheartedly. That might be the most painful of all. Underclassmen have no idea what it's like so they're excused, but if you've recently lived through the anxiety of making plans and know what I call the senior scramble, don't ask me what I'm doing because you have nothing else to say or you're trying to be polite. I don't mind if you preface it with some apology about how rough things are now, and then ask if I have any leads. That's tactful and kind. But pah-leeze! It's hard enough being hounded by real adults and the evil voice in my head that I can't escape. I don't need your reminder of my deepest insecurities, thank you.

I was having this discussion with one of my Italian friends named Filippo last week. I was updating him about some new developments in my short-term life plan (which takes me out to about 2017) but told him that of course everything is subject to change. Filippo showered me with admiration, but I assured him that it wasn't anything to cheer about. These are all just ideas that aren't realized yet and that because I'm force to think about my plans, I feel like have to come up with something to say. On that day alone I had already been asked three times what I was doing with my life. And that's not even a bad day as the count can get up to nine or ten in just 24 hours! He explained to me about how that's a big cultural difference. Since it's not unusual there for young people to not have plans, he enlightened me, people don't even ask. I knew I need to be in Italy!

But it made me think: if no one really has defined plans, why are we always asking about it here? People seem to understand that in this economic climate and with the changing expectations of ages (mainly when most people marry and start a family) that people should have some time to figure things out. My thesis is all about emerging adults developing their identity (shameless plug: Come see my presentation on Celebrating Student Achievement Day!) and how that takes time. Gone are the days of working at one place and leaving decades later with a comfortable pension! It's a rough job market out there. We don't want to be stuck in anything we absolutely hate. Granted none of us are going to find our dream jobs right out of college, but give us a chance to figure out who we are first. Let's have some adventures and turn those experiences into a productive life.

So I'm told

So I'm told that there are 24 working days remaining in the current school year at Meredith College. That's five and a half weeks plus finals. It's hard to believe that it's coming to a close, but I'm pretty ready. I feel like I've done everything that I came here to do in four years and am plenty ready for the next adventure. Still, I can empathize on some level with the various reactions on the spectrum of graduation.

Let's face it; graduating from undergraduate is no small feat! Many people don't have the opportunity or privilege to get to this point in their formal education. But it's important to keep it all in perspective. One of my classes this semester (which seems like a hodge podge class based on the things that we seem "to cover") discussed about how popular culture seemed to make high school appear like it was the end of life as you knew it.

Prom was supposed to be the culmination of all your worth and if you were a loser your senior year, you were nothing. Some people even returned to high school to make things "right." (And that's just a sampling of some of the classics, if you will.) My friend Jen pointed out that more recently (read: mostly post-1990s except for a real classic), college, which is slightly more accessible, has filled that role. Anyway, the point really is that I don't want my life to end now as much as I didn't want it to end when high school is over.

If anything, I think formal milestones like these should be an opportunity to renew your dedication to making your life whatever you want it to be. Specifically making sure that each day is a chance to make your ideas about the worth of what you are doing reflected in how hard you live life. So live life hard! I'm not saying there aren't things that I will recall with some amount of nostalgia, but that's the way memory works. Still doesn't mean that I want to be an undergraduate at Meredith College forever. Love it and leave it, or so I'm told.