Running around much busier than normal, I stopped by the mailbox. There was a big envelope and I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if that was for me?" I slid it out from under the other mail and saw my name on the label. The seal looked familiar. I squatted in the middle of the driveway, dropped the pile on the ground, and tore up the envelope.

"Dear Ms. Cibelli,

On behalf of the J. William Fulbright Scholarship Board, I am pleased to congratulate you on your selection for a Fulbright award to Italy."

Since then, I've been through a few stages of emotional extremes. Shock came first. It might not go away. There I was sitting like a frog in the middle of my driveway all alone and I cried a little. I had done the inconceivable. And after I was just getting excited about moving to Washington! I've been told a few times that it didn't seem like I was very excited, but in the last year this grant's been a lot of things to me, mostly circling around frustration. Leave Italy or stay? Get a real job or don't? Move to Washington or don't? And at the end I just waited...and waited...and waited. It was kind of a miserable existance but left a lot of time for good reflection, so it couldn't have been too bad, huh?

Next came the grateful stage. I couldn't help but reflect on how I got into this position as I told only a handful of people at first. The opportunity to be a grantee didn't just happen. I got a lot of help to get there. Mostly, it's impossible to express just how indebted I am to my parents. They took some hard sacrifices over the years to ensure that I was in the best educational setting for my holistic growth. There are also not many parents out there that will tell you to do what makes you happy and back you up when you tell them you're buying a one-way ticket to move to Europe. Then, of course, I can draw a timeline for you of all the most meaningful conversations with teachers, professors, mentors, and friends, who were behind the exposure to certain ideas, linking them together, and the fact the application was actually completed. I'll never be over that.

The third stage was being overwhelmed. Until recently, I've pretty much been in hiding because the news became bigger than me or what I could deal with at any given moment. I like to do big things, but I find recognition to be an awkward experience. Don't get me wrong, I've sincerely appreciated the well wishes and being chosen as a grantee is the highest honor I could imagine for myself at this point, but it's simply humbling. It became hard to swallow that so many people were proud of me. So thank you all. Know that I could never articulate just how much I appreciate the support.

But today, I officially got my medical clearance and an email with all the names of the other grantees, tips on finding real estate, and LOTS MORE paperwork for me to do. So I can officially say that I'm excited. I'm moving to Florence for, more or less, a year and I'll be doing research I'm passionate about pursuing. I'll be learning and growing in so many domains. And I'll finally be busy with a purpose! And not just any purpose--I'll be doing the one thing I dreamed about doing for several years.

All that makes me think about one of my brother's favorite quotations: "The greatest pleasures in life is doing what people say you cannot do" - Walter Bagehot. I admitted before that applying for the Fulbright was the first thing I did despite some unconvincing counsel. If I'm honest, it's also the first thing I didn't think I could do. There were several times throughout the process that I was practically pushed by others to get it done because I didn't believe in my capabilities or the odds or whatever it was at the moment. So to that I say, tenacity is a virture to hold dear. Work hard. Sometimes dreams do come true.

I had to take a break from blogging, but beyond working with the children and on a phenomenal run of ASSASSINS! with Theatre Alliance, nothing much happened. That is until my life was turned upside down just last Monday. It's taken some time to process, but I went on a glorious run yesterday with beautiful weather, awesome shuffle music, and the aroma of dogwoods and sweet burning wood. And that perfectly simple moment brought all the clarity I needed.

I had gotten tired of waiting. Most of all, I was exhausted by the uncertainty. There's nothing quite like the mystery of the future to make you uncomfortable with everything. One of the principles I stand on is that discomfort naturally brings growth, but I felt like I had done all the growing I could. I started doubting. Doubting the decisions I had made, the state I am in, and my plans for the future. And because these were no longer investigative questions, I needed to gain some control over my own life.

The way that is done is making decisions and dealing with the consequences. So Monday morning I sent an email to Western Washington University accepting their invitation to be a part of the Experimental Psychology program. I applied to the master's program under the direction of Dr. Kate McLean, whose work I've been following for years. It's a perfect fit with my interests and seemed like a good foundation to start my graduate career in that atmosphere.

In the afternoon, my parents and I all arrived home simultaneously. I followed Dad out to the mailbox telling him about my decision. He handed me a letter, which is odd because I get about 5 credit card offers and one Meredith mailing each month, rarely anything else. My eyes blurred to comprehend the page quickly and focused on these words in the first paragraph: "alternate...Fulbright...later date...." I had read all I needed and handed it off.

All at once the tension was released from my surroundings. I took a deep breath and all I could say was, "Well, that's that" as I plopped on the couch. I didn't know what to do with myself. My parents were saying encouraging things and I'm sure I was responding to their questions and comments, but I could really only feel myself breathing. Dramatic, yes, but true.

Then the tears came and I felt a surge of disappointment. I was never sure I was going to receive the grant, but I was always hopeful. I knew I had submitted the best application I was capable of and I wasn't upset about that. I had to mourn my dreams of returning to Italy with a passionate purpose. I had to say good-bye to my dreams of living where and working on what I love at someone else's expense. I also had to let go of my hopes that this opportunity would be my golden ticket for a fellowship and a life without student loans.

Yet, I can't help but marvel at the timeline of these events. I made a choice and received near immediate feedback that it was good. Call it what you like: luck, fate, divine presence. The title is not my concern. I'm simply pleased about the content.

But still, I am so grateful to have had this experience and for what I've learned because of it. Sure, now I have knowledge of a grant application process and somewhat survived a patience stand-off. Valuable skills. But to have the opportunity to hear words of support has been, in a sure contradiction of terms, both uplifting and humbling. One friend wrote that they just couldn't say no to me. A nice perspective, I may just adopt.

In summary, that's it. I am honored to have been named an alternate for the Fulbright, more affectionately titled the Miss Fulbright Runner-Up. I'm still in the running if someone else drops out...but why would they do that? Let's be real--I wouldn't. 

And yet my self-made consolation prize doesn't feel much like one at all. My sights are set on Bellingham, Washington. I'm overwhelmed by even more opposing emotions, but in the end it's an adventure and we all know how I feel about that. Come visit soon!

There won't always be another tomorrow.

Here we are two months into 2011 and time's moving along. I've been busy, at least in respect to my life months ago. I'm still working for the school system and picked up a small nannying job for a family I just can't get enough of. This cutie gets me out of the house just a bit earlier three days a week and brings me a whole lot of joy!

I've also been feeling a tad bit more responsible. I'm sure it helps having the pocket money and a renewed wonder about what's worth the fruits of my labor. Being a saver, that's not much, but it's more fun to look when the possibility to purchase is there.

My list of goals for 2011 is keeping me busy. I've completed a few odd crafts which I'm fairly proud about completing. My room was painted yesterday and I'm thrilled with the results. I'm beyond excited to continue working on making the room my very own space (only to move again, I'm sure).

I'm still trying to get in on volunteering with the school system, but made a ton of friends working with a local theatre in Winston Salem. I've always loved everything about the theatre and got lucky enough to team up with Theatre Alliance on their production of Eating Raoul. This show was pretty crazy (ask Abbey or Lauren- they were troopers for coming to see it!), but the group I worked with was phenomenal. And I learned a ton! I was a dresser which is nothing except on a show with 96 costume changes and no intermission. Boy, was it work, but still a ton of fun. And now I know how to tie a bow tie!

I've also been practicing the fine art of letter writing and am trying to make a more concerted effort to sit down and write with regularity. Writing's consumed much of my psyche, but sitting down to complete it seems to be my biggest hurdle, especially when there's another tomorrow when I can do these things. I did apply to just one graduate program. I did it in a conscious, yet last minute manner--how about that for contradiction of terms?--and would be thrilled to be accepted there, but like everything else there's something of a waiting game.

Last night it occurred to me that it's been about a month since I heard about the Fulbright stuff and submitted my application to graduate school. Who knows how much time is left until I know the results of either path. I don't spend much time thinking about it because there's nothing I can change, but from time to time, I wish time away. I hate feeling like I'm missing out on something, even if they're struggles.

Yet I'm starting to realize what a mistake that is. Being out in the community and getting to know new people, I've been challenged to take advantage of my situation. It's certainly something I've been working on for a few months now, but a new friend with his own fantastic life admitted how jealous he was of my situation. He had the chance to take a year off before heading on in higher education and wished he had been more "industrious" with his time. There are plenty of books I want to read, shows I want to see, goals I want to achieve. There's no need to rush any of my precious freedom along. I'm sure I'll be nostalgic for these months...eventually. :)

The State of My Present

At long last I have some pretty good news. I imagine that all you who read this blog already heard, but for posterity, I'm reporting here that my Fulbright application was passed along and recommended to the board in Italy. This news is exciting, sure, but I'm not doing a lot of celebrating yet. There's a 50-50 shot at this point. Those are better odds, but the show's not over yet. We don't know how it's going to end. And the Fulbright Commission has let me know who's in charge here by controlling the timing.

I got the news in an email on just another Thursday, while sitting on the couch and watching Two and a Half Men with Dad. I didn't expect to hear anything for another week and a half so I was caught off guard. Then within said email, they proceeded to tell me I have to live in this state of uncertainty. I could know as soon as next month, but let's be real, we're talking about Italy. Nothing bureaucratic moves quickly there. But no worries, I should know...by the end of June. Guys, that's such a long time! Especially when my life is waiting all morning to go to work, then waiting for parents, then waiting for bed. It's the waiting I'm most upset about. So. Much. Waiting.

I've never been very talented at the patience game, but I'm a lot more comfortable with the uncertainty. There was a time when I was fretting about years into my future when there was no reason to have such anxiety about things that weren't affecting me just yet. I've wasted countless tears and too many hours of wringing my hands about "The State of My Future." It was always somewhat like The State of the Union addresses in that they were reflective, cautionary, and looking ahead, but more Clinton-like than Obama-esque with lots more used tissues. Sometimes I have embarrassing flashbacks to those moments and marvel that the people who sat through them still talk to me.

While it's shameful to think about that behavior, the shame is a telling sign for me that I'm (mostly) beyond it. I conquered some of my worst fears and am living through my old nightmares. I graduated college without a job or a place in school. I moved back home. I'm way underemployed. Five years ago, I never would have fathomed this life for myself. I am now what I considered then to be a big failure. But that doesn't bother me.  A wonderful friend of mine relayed some advice she had recently received: "Don't borrow anxiety from the future." And that's what Oprah calls an "a-ha moment."

The question isn't what will happen to me if I don't get the grant. I'm ready for the news either way. Plus, I've got really good Plans B and C that I've already started to set in motion. If they don't work, I'll figure it out. Which brings me to my greatest achievement since my college graduation: I learned that I'm always going to find something - eventually.

The sad parts for now are feeling idle and being lonesome. I don't like not contributing to a good and I don't like feeling solitary in that. These feelings weren't recently discovered or were neglected on this blog. I constantly feel them and talk about them ad nauseum, but sometimes life is so good that I forget I'm feeling anything but joy. Other times, I revel in my misery and begin to feel hopeless. My conclusions are that everything is ephemeral and I can make change in my life.

So when I have a bad day, I wake up the next morning resolute to have a good one until I actually do, trying to forget the yesterdays. I've also been reaching out to the community. Having applied for every kind of employment possible to no avail, I'm turning to volunteer work for now. My middle schoolers bring me such joy that soon I will be working one-on-one with some of the elementary schoolers in the afternoon. And as of this weekend, I'll be a dresser for community theatre.

One of my friends suggested that I pick up a practice she started in the new year. Looking for better employment, her roommate and she created mantras they repeated, focused on, and acted upon until they got results. I figured it couldn't hurt, so I've been reflecting a mantra of my own. I want a dynamic and gainful experience. I've been told, ask and ye shall receive, and if that's true, you can be sure it'll be reported here. :) Happy Tuesday!

I'm late to the party...

but happy new year, y'all! Hahaha! Despite the fact that we're almost two weeks into 2011, there are still 50 left, so in perspective, I'm still at the beginning of it. I'm getting older, quicker and the days are moving faster than I can note, but I feel like this is especially true of 2010. I waited a long time for 2010 and now it's already gone, but a lot happened in those measly 12 months. To sum it up, I decided to use some of my favorite pictures from the year month by month.

 Now what? I've got a lot to think about and to work on in 2011, so here are some goals:

• Learn to speak Spanish (somewhat).
• Find a job (or jobs) where I work at least 30 hours a week.
• Hand make 3 things I am proud of. (Maybe you can teach me to do something cool like this, Kellie?)
• Handwrite a letter a week.
• Paint and decorate my room.
• Set aside time to write short stories.
• Take the GRE again and apply to 5 graduate programs.
• Inventory, organize, and cut down all of my belongings to fit in my room following The Cult of Less.
• Achieve my healthy size finally (almost there!) ... and stay there.
• Move.
• Start a book of my favorite (read: edible) recipes.
• Visit a new state. (I'll choose Colorado if you'll take me on one of these, Marie!)
• Run in a 5k. (Wanna run one together Lauren?)
• Check my car's tire pressure and oil on the first of every month.
• Volunteer regularly.
• Have more fun than I had in 2010....