It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted because not much has been going on. Besides a pretty big disappointment. My test didn't go so well, and since then I've had to deal with more negative emotions than I wish to admit. But I'm over it and moving on with what I have to do. There's a little more than two weeks until I leave and still quite a bit to get done. But this post is really about disappointment.
I hate that my first attempt at the GRE went so sucky (to be truly eloquent). Following the big failure, the big thought that passed through my head was: "This was NOT in my plan. I've been studying for this test so much and it was not supposed to happen like this. I was going to do well on it, go to Italy after three weeks, and apply to those graduate school with a little peace in all this hectic." And then it hit me. I guess I'm not as well adjusted as I thought I was getting. Not off the path of "The Plan." Which made me start thinking about other things.
Specifically, I've been reflecting a lot on the decisions I've made recently. Moving home has been full of mixed outcomes. It's been wonderful spending time with my family. The older I get I realize just how priceless that time is. Especially since I don't have much else to give these days--gotta love that free rent! (Another benefit of being home.)
But then there are the sour sides of moving home. No job means that I'm home until I have something really interesting to do...like go to the bank. Since most of my work is on the computer because I'm going international I have no reason to go anywhere. Positive side of this: I know there's NO WAY I could ever work from home. Maybe if I had my fantasy study. Otherwise, no.
Then there's also NOTHING here. I'm really not kidding. There are no adventures here which really speaks to my hiatus from blogging. College friends are near college. And all things considered, I have a good group of people I still keep in touch with from high school...but none of them are around either. I have to take big long trips and get lost every time I see a friend.
And before I get too emo, this separation has made me appreciate those good friends you can't live without. I've always sucked at keeping up with people, but I guess with some international friends to keep in touch with over the last few years and practically residing in a foreign land the last few weeks, I've had some good practice. Now I know communication is a two way street and I'm starting to learn which friends like to know about certain things, like to talk about specific issues or news or gossip, have similar woes as me, etc. It's almost as if we're all taking friendship labels. I'm sure they'll change over time, but it's just interesting. I'm still working through this idea, but I mention it to provoke. What do you think?
So in closing, I've got a lot more work to do on myself and my friendships and my life. And thanks for making it through this post. You're a trooper. :)
And I'm coming to see you soon. Looks like the assignment that starts the week after next will be heavy on Monday-Wednesday, then nothing on the weekends, so I'm planning on driving out to see you and perhaps spending a night or two if you don't mind :)
ReplyDeletesuckiness aside, you're extremely eloquent. thanks for expressing so many of the emotions i have wanted to express in the last couple months. i've felt like i'm in a foreign land, too, even though i'm only in cary right now--you're not alone. altogether, though, it's funny how friendships take different forms and thus different labels. we have friends who fulfill certain roles in our lives, and in many ways, as i've realized more recently, we do the same. therefore, once that purpose has been fulfilled, we play less of a role. i can't place a value statement on that idea yet, though, because i know i do the same thing. keeping up is tough, and i always applaud those who do great jobs of keeping up with the oldest friends--it'll definitely be something i'll have to work on in the next several months.
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