Shifting gears

I'm changing directions. Where I've been and what I've been doing has been great and exactly what I needed, but I feel like I could be better serving myself and others by going home. The decision was not the easiest, but at the same time, it felt very naturally like the right thing to do. My biggest fear for this year is that I know the right decisions too late. But I have faith that my search for growth will lead me to good things, to tough things, to complex things and while I am squirming in what is an uncomfortable setting, I will grow into who I am intended yet to be.

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
--Alan Cohen

School's out for...?

I didn't let myself post the other day because I was feeling kind of blue. It doesn't feel much like the summer break I'm used to after a year of classes. I LOVE rain, but it's just been gloomy outside during the day. And I can't really shake the anxiety I've been feeling about being unemployed. I'm not sure why it's weighing so heavily on me. But I can say that this feeling has opened my eyes about what life is like for those who have to take care of families, pay for homes, etc. I have a profound respect for those who can do it right and a greater sense of sympathy for those who struggle with these things. I know I'm not living in awful conditions, but living on my own gives me a different perspective on what responsibility is.

On a nicer note, I have been enjoying myself. It's nice to hang out with friends without having to worry about what time I have to wake up in the morning or what I have to get done. I'm also loving my sweatpants/movie days. Not having a television for most of my college career may have been compensated in the last week and a half. And Maggie, my awesome new roommate, has been wonderful. It's fun to hang out with her and do new things. We went to the Farmer's Market on Sunday. So fun! So yummy! Maybe best of all is hanging out with Lily, my new friend. She's got quite a personality and has taken residence in my lap. She loves giving kisses and is quite the talker. Isn't she adorable?

There is life.

There is life here after graduation. I was soooo ready for it to come, but if I might be honest, I'm not sure what to do with myself now. The weekend was beautiful from the ceremonies to the weather to the love and pride that hung in the air. But now I am beyond compulsory education and the four extra years I was blessed enough to get. I've actively chosen to have a year to be selfish and go against expectations. But as I stood in the Courtyard (I'm the one with all the blankets) lining up for Commencement, I got nervous. I realized that I was officially loosing the part of my identity I had made central to who I was for so many years: I would no longer be a student.

Now it'd be easy for me to argue that I'm always going to be a student. Life is certainly a worthy teacher. I think I know mostly who I am and then I find out that there's so much more to learn. But that's hokey. And then even when, not if, I move on to graduate school, the dynamics will be different. I'll be more of a peer researcher then just a student. Like now. With that degree in my hand, I've really earned something. Professors from Meredith are requesting I call them by their first names and be their Facebook friends. Things have changed.

But I won't sit out on this next year. There are plenty of things to do: Play with friends. Write. Find a job...and make some money, or enough to survive. Read some fun books. Watch my ever growing list of "Movies I Must See to Be a Cultured Human Being." See some live theater. Learn to cook a few new meals. Make some plans. Have adventures. Prove to myself there is indeed life after school.