There won't always be another tomorrow.

Here we are two months into 2011 and time's moving along. I've been busy, at least in respect to my life months ago. I'm still working for the school system and picked up a small nannying job for a family I just can't get enough of. This cutie gets me out of the house just a bit earlier three days a week and brings me a whole lot of joy!

I've also been feeling a tad bit more responsible. I'm sure it helps having the pocket money and a renewed wonder about what's worth the fruits of my labor. Being a saver, that's not much, but it's more fun to look when the possibility to purchase is there.

My list of goals for 2011 is keeping me busy. I've completed a few odd crafts which I'm fairly proud about completing. My room was painted yesterday and I'm thrilled with the results. I'm beyond excited to continue working on making the room my very own space (only to move again, I'm sure).

I'm still trying to get in on volunteering with the school system, but made a ton of friends working with a local theatre in Winston Salem. I've always loved everything about the theatre and got lucky enough to team up with Theatre Alliance on their production of Eating Raoul. This show was pretty crazy (ask Abbey or Lauren- they were troopers for coming to see it!), but the group I worked with was phenomenal. And I learned a ton! I was a dresser which is nothing except on a show with 96 costume changes and no intermission. Boy, was it work, but still a ton of fun. And now I know how to tie a bow tie!

I've also been practicing the fine art of letter writing and am trying to make a more concerted effort to sit down and write with regularity. Writing's consumed much of my psyche, but sitting down to complete it seems to be my biggest hurdle, especially when there's another tomorrow when I can do these things. I did apply to just one graduate program. I did it in a conscious, yet last minute manner--how about that for contradiction of terms?--and would be thrilled to be accepted there, but like everything else there's something of a waiting game.

Last night it occurred to me that it's been about a month since I heard about the Fulbright stuff and submitted my application to graduate school. Who knows how much time is left until I know the results of either path. I don't spend much time thinking about it because there's nothing I can change, but from time to time, I wish time away. I hate feeling like I'm missing out on something, even if they're struggles.

Yet I'm starting to realize what a mistake that is. Being out in the community and getting to know new people, I've been challenged to take advantage of my situation. It's certainly something I've been working on for a few months now, but a new friend with his own fantastic life admitted how jealous he was of my situation. He had the chance to take a year off before heading on in higher education and wished he had been more "industrious" with his time. There are plenty of books I want to read, shows I want to see, goals I want to achieve. There's no need to rush any of my precious freedom along. I'm sure I'll be nostalgic for these months...eventually. :)

The State of My Present

At long last I have some pretty good news. I imagine that all you who read this blog already heard, but for posterity, I'm reporting here that my Fulbright application was passed along and recommended to the board in Italy. This news is exciting, sure, but I'm not doing a lot of celebrating yet. There's a 50-50 shot at this point. Those are better odds, but the show's not over yet. We don't know how it's going to end. And the Fulbright Commission has let me know who's in charge here by controlling the timing.

I got the news in an email on just another Thursday, while sitting on the couch and watching Two and a Half Men with Dad. I didn't expect to hear anything for another week and a half so I was caught off guard. Then within said email, they proceeded to tell me I have to live in this state of uncertainty. I could know as soon as next month, but let's be real, we're talking about Italy. Nothing bureaucratic moves quickly there. But no worries, I should know...by the end of June. Guys, that's such a long time! Especially when my life is waiting all morning to go to work, then waiting for parents, then waiting for bed. It's the waiting I'm most upset about. So. Much. Waiting.

I've never been very talented at the patience game, but I'm a lot more comfortable with the uncertainty. There was a time when I was fretting about years into my future when there was no reason to have such anxiety about things that weren't affecting me just yet. I've wasted countless tears and too many hours of wringing my hands about "The State of My Future." It was always somewhat like The State of the Union addresses in that they were reflective, cautionary, and looking ahead, but more Clinton-like than Obama-esque with lots more used tissues. Sometimes I have embarrassing flashbacks to those moments and marvel that the people who sat through them still talk to me.

While it's shameful to think about that behavior, the shame is a telling sign for me that I'm (mostly) beyond it. I conquered some of my worst fears and am living through my old nightmares. I graduated college without a job or a place in school. I moved back home. I'm way underemployed. Five years ago, I never would have fathomed this life for myself. I am now what I considered then to be a big failure. But that doesn't bother me.  A wonderful friend of mine relayed some advice she had recently received: "Don't borrow anxiety from the future." And that's what Oprah calls an "a-ha moment."

The question isn't what will happen to me if I don't get the grant. I'm ready for the news either way. Plus, I've got really good Plans B and C that I've already started to set in motion. If they don't work, I'll figure it out. Which brings me to my greatest achievement since my college graduation: I learned that I'm always going to find something - eventually.

The sad parts for now are feeling idle and being lonesome. I don't like not contributing to a good and I don't like feeling solitary in that. These feelings weren't recently discovered or were neglected on this blog. I constantly feel them and talk about them ad nauseum, but sometimes life is so good that I forget I'm feeling anything but joy. Other times, I revel in my misery and begin to feel hopeless. My conclusions are that everything is ephemeral and I can make change in my life.

So when I have a bad day, I wake up the next morning resolute to have a good one until I actually do, trying to forget the yesterdays. I've also been reaching out to the community. Having applied for every kind of employment possible to no avail, I'm turning to volunteer work for now. My middle schoolers bring me such joy that soon I will be working one-on-one with some of the elementary schoolers in the afternoon. And as of this weekend, I'll be a dresser for community theatre.

One of my friends suggested that I pick up a practice she started in the new year. Looking for better employment, her roommate and she created mantras they repeated, focused on, and acted upon until they got results. I figured it couldn't hurt, so I've been reflecting a mantra of my own. I want a dynamic and gainful experience. I've been told, ask and ye shall receive, and if that's true, you can be sure it'll be reported here. :) Happy Tuesday!

I'm late to the party...

but happy new year, y'all! Hahaha! Despite the fact that we're almost two weeks into 2011, there are still 50 left, so in perspective, I'm still at the beginning of it. I'm getting older, quicker and the days are moving faster than I can note, but I feel like this is especially true of 2010. I waited a long time for 2010 and now it's already gone, but a lot happened in those measly 12 months. To sum it up, I decided to use some of my favorite pictures from the year month by month.

 Now what? I've got a lot to think about and to work on in 2011, so here are some goals:

• Learn to speak Spanish (somewhat).
• Find a job (or jobs) where I work at least 30 hours a week.
• Hand make 3 things I am proud of. (Maybe you can teach me to do something cool like this, Kellie?)
• Handwrite a letter a week.
• Paint and decorate my room.
• Set aside time to write short stories.
• Take the GRE again and apply to 5 graduate programs.
• Inventory, organize, and cut down all of my belongings to fit in my room following The Cult of Less.
• Achieve my healthy size finally (almost there!) ... and stay there.
• Move.
• Start a book of my favorite (read: edible) recipes.
• Visit a new state. (I'll choose Colorado if you'll take me on one of these, Marie!)
• Run in a 5k. (Wanna run one together Lauren?)
• Check my car's tire pressure and oil on the first of every month.
• Volunteer regularly.
• Have more fun than I had in 2010....

Words of Wisdom

Back at the beginning of September I wrote a post about defining success and two of my favorite poems. Just recently two of my very best friends Jenn and Sheryl graduated from Meredith College and the last two weekends I couldn't be prouder to have had the great opportunity to celebrate their achievements. I was asked to give a speech at Sheryl's graduation party and at my mother's request, I'm posting it here for all of you. When putting to pen to paper, I come to a lot of personal realizations. You'll recognize the poem, but bear with me reusing material (it's really powerful, though), and enjoy my ever developing conclusions!

First and foremost, congratulations Sheryl on completing college and doing so with such growth and achievement. I hope you recognize what you have done for yourself and take this period to be really proud. That was the hardest thing for me to do just seven months ago and one of the few regrets from my own college experience. So enjoy this time because both you and now I know there are greater struggles in your near future than even those you dealt with as a Meredith student.

And so, upon reflecting, I decided to speak about just that – recognizing success. I’ve spent much of my young life pursuing “success” and along the way have asked so many people I consider successful to provide me with their memoirs and road maps so I could get there, too. Now most of you know, but for those of you who don’t, let’s just say I don’t feel like I’ve quite achieved it all yet. So when considering what to share with you, Sheryl, I don’t think I have much authority to say a lot yet. But because I wanted to talk about success quite badly, instead I resolved to distribute the golden nuggets I caught from others along the way. They’ve been useful thus far and figured they couldn’t hurt you either.

So to begin as far back as I can remember, Mrs. Spach, my second grade teacher taught me that I didn’t need to cry about everything and that I could deal with some things on my own. Clearly, I’m still working on some of these things, but she was the first person to tell me that I could make things happen.

Later at the end of the most awful seventh grade ever recorded, Mr. Becker reminded me that some offenses just need to be put to rest so we can revel in the good times.

In high school, the former French military man turned teacher Mr. Tourret directed the student government and I was secretary. One day, taking a break from revolutionizing the school governing system, he told me that there were three types of people in the world. The vast majority were those who transported pianos. Then there were those who played the piano. He told me that I should always try to be in the very small elite group – those who appreciate the music. While I know what he was saying, I think it’s very French. I have since come to believe it’s important to have the muscles to move the piano and the know-how to play because that’s what makes listening to the tune even sweeter.

Then P.T.A. at lovely old Bishop McGuinness brought in Australian life coach Matthew Kelley. Although his book was poorly written, he said something that changed my life and became one of my personal mantras: Be the best version of yourself. In every area of your life – whether that be your career, romantic, friendship, or family relationships, your health, spirituality, or whatever – we should surround ourselves with people, ideas, and practices that make us a better.

Going off to college, my parents reminded me of the same phrases I had always heard from them. Mom said, “Just do your best. And when you do it, you should walk away from every situation satisfied because you know there’s nothing else you can do.” Dad, on the other hand, told me, “Make friends with the custodians, guards, and lunch ladies because they’re the ones with the real power. And make conversation with the elderly because they have the real wisdom.” Words to live by.

At Meredith, my advisor, sweet Dr. O’Dekirk never said anything in particular, but he did have an open door and chair just my size whenever I needed it. That, for me, spoke louder than most others’ words.

My two Italian professors, first Max at Meredith, then Rita during my semester in Siena told me to seek out adventure and trust my heart. But they both warned me to keep my heart open because sometimes what you thought you always wanted will be different at decision time.

Jeff, the ex-pat from Boston, taught me my favorite Italian phrase: “La vita si rinnova,” or “Life renews itself.” Because there are times, he shared, that success is just waking up in the morning.

In a similar strain, is the definition of success I learned from my best friend and college roommate Abbey. Being there through it all, she gave me plenty of hugs and matter of factly informed me, “Move on to the next thing.” Surely, if success couldn’t be found just where I was, it couldn’t be far away…as long as I kept moving forward.

So although I set out to explicitly define success for myself some time ago, I still rely heavily on the sound bites and memories I’ve collected from those I love and who I am lucky enough to be loved by. Yet the closest I ever came to my own definition brings me to my Meredith onyx and my favorite poem…s.

Many recognize the poem “Success” attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson which starts “To laugh often and much” and proceeds to list great things (in every sense of greatness) until the final line and inscription in my onyx: “This is to have succeeded.” But in the name of womanhood, I would like to read the original written by Bessie Stanley. And, Sheryl, as you listen today, call to mind those successes you’ve had and prepare yourself for those in your future.

Success

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;

Who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men, and the love of little children;

Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

Who has left the world better than he found it whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul;

Who has never lacked appreciation of Earth’s beauty or failed to express it;

Who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had;

Whose life was an inspiration;

Whose memory a benediction.

 Once again, congratulations Sheryl and good luck on your future successes. 

I've been demoted.

Demoted to middle school - and I love it! Well, it's only been two days, but I'm all about this new part-time job. I watch a group of kids from two local middle schools until their parents or guardians can pick them up. And by stating that I "watch" these kids, I mean hang out. Yesterday I was schooled in how to complete the Rubik's cube in 2 minutes barely trying by M. And then today I earned bruises and broken blood vessels playing volleyball for the first time in 5.5 years with A.

It might be a little early to say, but I think this is the easiest job I've ever had. I won't lie to you, I was pretty nervous when I first accepted the job. To use the simplest euphemism I could imagine, my middle school years weren't my favorite. I don't think they were anyone's best years unless you are my friend Molly Hart. Gosh, that lady's thebomb.com and basically the coolest in general (Proof: She works for NPR). Anyway, I had a little chat with her because she's a Middle Schooler Whisperer. During our talk Molly gave me some advice on how to deal with them that made me realize there's not too much of a difference between the middle schoolers and me. We're in between. We want to be "adults"...whatever that means. We feel misunderstood and want someone to care. And at the end of the day we just want to have fun.

So I see this employment being a good one and have introduced a new label in anticipation: middle school madness. And although it's only 2 or 3 hours a day, it's an income of sorts... which works now that I have a new car! Dad sold me his 2009 Toyota Corolla "with all the bells and whistles" as he says.

Glamor shot from tuningnews.net

We're feeling each other out, so, no, he doesn't have a name yet. But I did want to introduce him because it's SO EXCITING! I mean, as long as I don't think about the payments I'm making. So much for that "adult" thing.