The State of My Present

At long last I have some pretty good news. I imagine that all you who read this blog already heard, but for posterity, I'm reporting here that my Fulbright application was passed along and recommended to the board in Italy. This news is exciting, sure, but I'm not doing a lot of celebrating yet. There's a 50-50 shot at this point. Those are better odds, but the show's not over yet. We don't know how it's going to end. And the Fulbright Commission has let me know who's in charge here by controlling the timing.

I got the news in an email on just another Thursday, while sitting on the couch and watching Two and a Half Men with Dad. I didn't expect to hear anything for another week and a half so I was caught off guard. Then within said email, they proceeded to tell me I have to live in this state of uncertainty. I could know as soon as next month, but let's be real, we're talking about Italy. Nothing bureaucratic moves quickly there. But no worries, I should know...by the end of June. Guys, that's such a long time! Especially when my life is waiting all morning to go to work, then waiting for parents, then waiting for bed. It's the waiting I'm most upset about. So. Much. Waiting.

I've never been very talented at the patience game, but I'm a lot more comfortable with the uncertainty. There was a time when I was fretting about years into my future when there was no reason to have such anxiety about things that weren't affecting me just yet. I've wasted countless tears and too many hours of wringing my hands about "The State of My Future." It was always somewhat like The State of the Union addresses in that they were reflective, cautionary, and looking ahead, but more Clinton-like than Obama-esque with lots more used tissues. Sometimes I have embarrassing flashbacks to those moments and marvel that the people who sat through them still talk to me.

While it's shameful to think about that behavior, the shame is a telling sign for me that I'm (mostly) beyond it. I conquered some of my worst fears and am living through my old nightmares. I graduated college without a job or a place in school. I moved back home. I'm way underemployed. Five years ago, I never would have fathomed this life for myself. I am now what I considered then to be a big failure. But that doesn't bother me.  A wonderful friend of mine relayed some advice she had recently received: "Don't borrow anxiety from the future." And that's what Oprah calls an "a-ha moment."

The question isn't what will happen to me if I don't get the grant. I'm ready for the news either way. Plus, I've got really good Plans B and C that I've already started to set in motion. If they don't work, I'll figure it out. Which brings me to my greatest achievement since my college graduation: I learned that I'm always going to find something - eventually.

The sad parts for now are feeling idle and being lonesome. I don't like not contributing to a good and I don't like feeling solitary in that. These feelings weren't recently discovered or were neglected on this blog. I constantly feel them and talk about them ad nauseum, but sometimes life is so good that I forget I'm feeling anything but joy. Other times, I revel in my misery and begin to feel hopeless. My conclusions are that everything is ephemeral and I can make change in my life.

So when I have a bad day, I wake up the next morning resolute to have a good one until I actually do, trying to forget the yesterdays. I've also been reaching out to the community. Having applied for every kind of employment possible to no avail, I'm turning to volunteer work for now. My middle schoolers bring me such joy that soon I will be working one-on-one with some of the elementary schoolers in the afternoon. And as of this weekend, I'll be a dresser for community theatre.

One of my friends suggested that I pick up a practice she started in the new year. Looking for better employment, her roommate and she created mantras they repeated, focused on, and acted upon until they got results. I figured it couldn't hurt, so I've been reflecting a mantra of my own. I want a dynamic and gainful experience. I've been told, ask and ye shall receive, and if that's true, you can be sure it'll be reported here. :) Happy Tuesday!