Revelations According to Me

As promised, I'm writing a post to give you an official update on my life as it is now. I feel like I've settled into a new temporary routine. I'm acting as a substitue for my friend Anya who is traveling in the States, so I spend my mornings at a preschool playing with Italian babies for a few hours. It's interesting how much I've learned there. I'm definitely getting some practice of the imperative tense and have been learning some really fun songs like the one about the round, round watermelon that wanted to be the best in the world and the Italian version of "Ring Around the Rosie."

I've also started hanging out with two lovely ragazze. Violeta is 10 and she's a power house. She knows what she likes and is, as we say in the South, smart as a whip. Gaia, age 7, is a sweet girl. After our first meeting I was a bit nervous about what she'd think of me, but held on to me tightly wherever we went on Friday. She also learned the word "puppy" on Friday. Success. They fall into their birth order dynamics pretty nicely which reminds me quite a bit of Jason and myself. Too fun!

But I have made some revelations lately that I'd like to share with you:

The first is that I'm alone. Now, I could use the euphimism and tell you that I'm living on my own, but I don't think that phrase is sufficient to describe how I feel. Sure I have friends here. Whether I be sick or sad, they have shown over these past weeks more patience and kindness than I could express in words. I feel like I've won the lottery when it comes to them. Still it's difficult to live so far from majority of my network. At times I feel very solitary and, let me tell you, that's a pretty scary thing.

The positive side here is that I feel like I'm learning more and better in this way. I'm finding my own limits, strengths, and weaknesses. Surely this information will be crucial knowledge no matter where or with whom I live. I'm also discovering my own opinions. I've never really been one to hide my opinions when I've had them, but believe it or not, sometimes I just can't make up my mind. I used to say that in these moments I could develop my thoughts after hearing what others had to say first. But as I begin to grasp my own priorities and the process for making decisions, I almost find it refreshing to be alone.

Strangely enough, the second realization I've made is how WONDERFUL the people I have in my life are. No matter where in the world I am, you show me all kinds of support in any manner of ways. I have heard from you when I needed it most and have felt your presence throughout the joyful and trying times. Sure, communication is different these days. It's not so easy to pick up a phone and call someone when you don't even live in the same country code. And if I usually talked to someone twice a week because I would run into them while walking across campus, I realize I wouldn't be doing that now regardless. Despite these differences, I know you're there. And thank goodness for technology! You can say what you like about the evil of technology but Skype is a god-sent. Hallelujah and amen. A very special thank you to Aunt Carol and Uncle Joe: you guys are awesome! And an honest message about what I think of YOU straight from the words of a legend just to say thanks.

In these days I have some important decisions to make which brings us to my final revelation. I've spent countless hours (recently and just generally in my 22 years) fretting over decisions of all kinds. Each one feels like it's the end of the world, despite my recognition that my life will go on no matter what I choose. I've decided to put an end to the fretting--or as much as someone who has nurtured worrying can. I'm never going to know what's "right." I might know 10 years from now that I made a good decision, but then again I might never know. What I do know is that I will make the best decisions for me when I need to in that very moment. Fretting is wasting all kinds of energy and time that I no longer choose to waste. In the words of my wise and beautiful mother, "it's just not worth it." So enough is enough. And that's plenty enough.